It’s a good time to be a CEO. Well, one who hasn’t been brought up on any charges anyway.
Money. Power. Status. Respect. These are the perks that come with the job. You get to be treated as a God, whether or not you know how to perform your duties. You’re a more clean-cut, conservative version of a rock star, and you don’t have to ride on a crowded, uncomfortable bus from city to city. You’re treated like a star athlete, and you don’t have to worry about breaking your leg or rupturing your ACL and being put on the disable list. You’re as cool as the President, only you don’t have to spend years kissing up to people and promising the world, while defending your drug habits as a teenager.
Yes, life for a CEO is indeed good. So if it’s this good, how can you become one? Well, the best way to start is by developing CEO habits, and this list captures some of the essentials of being in the top spot of any good Fortune 500 company. (Donald Trump, eat your heart out!):
1. Have a Map
Whether it’s of your local city, the United States or the world, a map shows that you have an awareness of what’s going on in the world. You know where things are and you know the direction your company is going. In the old days, it was even cool to have one of those spinning globes somewhere in your office, but now it just reminds people of the big old annoying globe that used to be on the daytime soap opera As The World Turns. Not cool.
Greenland is almost as big as Africa
2. Install a Whiteboard
Absolutely essential for any kind of business meeting, or just doodling when no one is around, a whiteboard is almost the benchmark of corporate success. You’ll find one in every boardroom and conference area, and any good CEO just has to have one to show how much they know about whatever. If possible, have someone scribble something that looks like a plan for the next corporate takeover or merger so you’ll always have something to strive for at a moments notice.
3. Display Your Awards
Every good CEO has an award on display. It commemorates past success, and provides proof of accomplishment, intelligence, and tenacity. The bigger the award, the more clout you have when it’s time to renegotiate your salary package to the shareholders. Don’t be shy, awards can be worth millions!
4. Hang a Calendar
A calendar is just plain essential. If you don’t have the date somewhere in the immediate vicinity, how can anyone take you seriously? Calendars — especially those with the big blocks where you can write something into them — tell the world that you know what you are going to do at any given point in the future, and it shows the accomplishments of your past.
5. Hire a Secretary
Need I say more? What CEO actually takes his or her own calls? Even family have to sometimes get through the impenetrable barrier of a good secretary, and for good reason: you never know when they will call while you’re in the middle of an affair or black market negotiations. Nothing kills a moment with the mistress like a call from your wife, so have Susan hold all calls until after your extended lunch hour.
6. Own a Set of Golf Clubs
Not having your own set of clubs is akin to flying coach. Clubs make a statement of you, your personality and playing style. Along with the clubs, see if you can take a photo with a famous golfer so you can have bragging rights among the other less fortunate CEO’s. For a lifetime achievement award, try to get Tiger Woods, Jack Nicklaus or Phil Mickelson to pose with you, and you’ll be invited to every party thereafter!
7. Drive a Lexus or Mercedes
The undisputed symbols of status and luxury. BMW’s are nice and Audi’s are cool, but nothing shouts “I have arrived” like one of these namesakes. Sure, you could drive an exotic car, but they are way too flashy, and you don’t want to me mistaken for having a mid-life crisis. Acura, Infiniti, and those other brands beg to many questions as to who makes the car, what kind is it, how fast does it go, etc. You’re a CEO, so you don’t have time for the frivilous questions and questionable gazes from your buddies. Play it safe and stick with something that everyone knows by the emblem on the car.
A flashy Mercedes? Don’t worry, your buddies will still want to take a spin!
8. Show Pictures of Your Family
Family pictures show you have a heart. You aren’t a ruthless tyrant bent on world domination, or at least that’s not what people will think at first glance. Anything with the wife and kids will do just fine, and if you don’t have a family, just use the pictures that come with the frames and pretend that your daughter is living in some other country, that’s why she isn’t around. Extra points for importing an African family, especially one with ties to Madonna.
9. Celebrate Success With Cigars
Whether you’re on the golf course, the Crown Room at the airport or a banquet hall, have some cigars handy to celebrate that special occassion. Did a buddy recently make partner or have a baby? Was the merger smooth and successful? Did your wife really believe that you and Susan had to go backpacking in Nepal for a whole week alone to learn from the local culture on how to pitch the new product line to the new client? Break out a stoagie and celebrate!
10. Make Your Office Resemble a Small Library
You may never read the books that are on display. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t red them because then you would be doing too much work actually researching and retaining information. But it always looks good to those who are under you because it makes you seem smarter than you actually are, and that is something that every peon strives for.
Get everything on this list, then go apply at the Human Resources office of your favorite company! Good luck! 
